Permission to Grieve

It's been 11 days. 11 days since my life changed forever. 11 days that I lost a part of me. 11 days since I've been given a new outlook on life. 11 days ago, God gave me strength that I never though I'd have. He used the beautiful life of my son, Jonah Michael to change my life forever. I know many people have questions as to what happened. I haven't posted anything for a while, and I appreciate the privacy and time everyone has given us through this time. I could keep going like this and never share my story, but what good would that do? When you have a story like mine, you find hope and peace in knowing that someday, this will be used for good. God can and will take my experiences, my story and use it for His Glory. That alone gives me hope.

Being a military family has not been easy. We've had 2 long term military deployments in the past 9 years of our marriage. For this last one, Joe was called to Kuwait for 6 months. He returned home in December 2010. We had been waiting to start trying for our 3rd child, so by the middle of January we were excited to find out we were already expecting. Unfortunately, at my 12 week prenatal check up, we had learned the baby had stopped progressing and the the heartbeat had also stopped. I remember sitting in that room, trying to process this devastating news. We had brought the girls with us that day because we were going to let them see/hear their baby brother or sister's heartbeat. We were shattered beyond words, hurt, and saddened. We were told by the doctors that it is very common and it shouldn't stop us from trying again in the near future.

After taking some time for emotional healing, we found out we were expecting again this past October. With a guarded joy, we started to once again envision our future with a new little baby in our family. We waited until I was practically showing to share the news with family and friends. Each prenatal visit brought back the memory of what had happened in our last pregnancy, but to our great surprise we would leave the doctor's office with great news. Our baby had a strong heartbeat. I even felt movement beginning at 13 weeks and that was always reassuring. Our hopes and dreams of holding our sweet baby and having our 3rd child became real and we started to feel some relief after the first trimester.

At 19 weeks I had a scare. I was experiencing some alarming symptoms and thought I had lost the baby. I was admitted directly to labor and delivery where they immediately did an ultrasound. When I saw that little flicker of the baby's heartbeat, I was overjoyed. Grateful. I was thoroughly checked out and told stay on bed rest for a few days until I can have a level 3 ultrasound. The next couple days did not end up at all the way I expected nor did they end up the way I dreamed of...

On January 26, 2012 at 8:09pm, I delivered a premature baby boy. Since I was only 19 1/2 weeks along, there was nothing anyone can do to save my sweet baby boy. It was the most intense pain, labor, and delivery that I had ever been through. The emotional pain of knowing this baby would not survive took its toll on my body physically. Weighing just 9 oz and 9 inches, my husband and I welcomed our first son into this world. He was incredibly tiny, but perfect in every way imaginable. From his little head to his sweet little toes, we were in awe of all that the Lord had knit together to form this pure and innocent being. We marveled at his little features, cuddled him, talked to him, kissed him, smelled that sweet newborn scent, prayed over him...we had 2 hours and 39 minutes to spend with our son. At 10:45 pm that night, our son, Jonah, was in the arms of Jesus. God had given us the son we always wanted, but we never imagined his time on earth would be cut so short.

I think the questions and the doubt I've had would be what most mothers would say. "Why me? Why my baby? Why did this happen? How could this happen? Is there something wrong with me?" I've cried out to God many times since the birth of my son. I find comfort in knowing
God grieves with me. He is the author of life and nobody knows my pain like he does. Afterall, He sacrificed His Son, watched His Son experience the most painful death for me... for Jonah! Who am I to question "why me?" But...I'm human, I'm not a robot. He created me to have feelings, to experience and feel the pain and sorrow of loss. He gives me permission to bring my pain to Him. His yoke is easy, His burden is light. He promises to give rest to my soul.

And so, this is the beginning of a new journey for me. A journey of growing through my grief. I'm sharing this personal journey with anyone who wants to follow, because I want to be a testimony of what God can do. I have resolved to take my grief, my pain, the aching of my heart and give it all to God. To become cold and bitter would be too easy. I won't give up. I will keep living, keep sharing, and keep growing....for God, for the rememberance of Jonah, for the sake of my daughters that watch every move I make, and for the love of my husband.

"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." Psalm 71:20-21