Pictures of His Goodness

For the last few weeks, I have been anxiously awaiting Jonah's pictures.  After delivering Jonah, the hospital staff asked if we wanted to have someone photograph Jonah during his short, sweet life.  I wasn't exactly sure if I could see them right away, but I knew that one day I would want to, so we decided having pictures was a good idea.  The funny thing is that I could not stop thinking about those pictures from the moment I arrived home from the hospital.  I was literally praying they would get to my house safely... I could not handle the thought of something happening to those pictures.  I won't have a lot of memories with Jonah, but this was the one thing I could count on.  Seeing him...remembering him, what he looked like, and how much his life meant to me.  Each day I would check the mail with wide eyes only to find they weren't there.  I prayed that God would allow them to arrive at my house in His timing.

During my pregnancy with Jonah, I started seeing a counselor.  This is not something I usually share, but I've said from the beginning I'm going to be open about my journey.  While pregnant with Jonah I struggled a little more than usual with anxiety because of the first miscarriage we had before Jonah.  My counselor (who is a Godsend) was able to help guide me through the first trimester and encourage me through my struggle with anxiety.  God knew that I would need her not only for my pregnancy, but after my loss as well.  While I was in the hospital and in labor, my counselor actually came to visit me.  This visit really made clear that she is not just any counselor and this is not just any patient-therapist relationship.  This woman is special.  It's as though she has been grieving with me.  She was able to bring some comfort during that dark time of knowing the inevitable.  Giving me wisdom and graciously consoling me, she reassured me that she would be here to support me no matter what happened that day.  That is exactly what she has done for me.  About a week after Jonah was born I had an hour appointment set with her.  Just being able share my grief, my thoughts, and my fears with someone who has education and experience in the area of grief has been incredibly helpful.  She is able to offer me ideas, wisdom, and support as an "outside" person.  After that appointment we agreed that I would call her to set up another appointment to touch base and see how things were going through my grieving process.  After looking at my calendar, I scheduled an appointment for Thursday, 2/23.  There was no particular reason why I picked this day, it just happened to work out for both of our schedules.  However, God knew this was the day I would need to meet with her. 

On Wednesday, Feb. 22nd, as I approached the front door of my house after work, there it was!  Jonah's pictures had finally arrived!  My immediate reaction was joy... I was completely overjoyed that God had answered my prayers and the cd with Jonah's pictures arrived safely.  Before I was even able to take off my coat I ran over to the computer and inserted the cd, with Joe by my side (also waiting for the pictures to load), I wasn't sure what to expect.  Once the pictures appeared on my computer screen we were once again in awe.  Brought back to the moment of when he was born.  The joy, the pain, the happiness, the sorrow...all flooded back.  My heart...it aches.  My arms...they yearn.  My womb...empty.  Once again, I take 2 steps backward in my healing process as I am brought back to that moment.   The moment where we welcomed our baby boy into this world, and had to let him go way too soon.  "Why Dear God...why?  Why must we go through this storm, what are you trying to do here?"  I can almost hear Him say, "My beloved, I'm growing you, I'm working here, just trust Me."  This is so not easy!  I am so weak, I am hurting, my heart is broken, my body is weary...I need help!  After a restless night of not so much sleep, the next day brought an overload of sadness.  The gloomy weather did not help any, but the reality of what really happened set in.  I just viewed the pictures of my child, my baby that is now in heaven.  I have a son.  He's in heaven, but I have a son.  That is a lot to take in...I can't do this alone God. 

It's funny how God works... "It just so happened" that Wednesday I received the pictures and Thursday I had an appointment set with my counselor.  I can say this was definitely not a coincidence; this was not an "it just so happened" instance.  God knew I would need to meet with my counselor.  He knew in advance that Thursday was a day of acceptance (once again), a day of sadness, and that I needed help.  He planned that afternoon appointment with my counselor.  Not that she has any "magic dust" to make things better, but she has great insight as to how I'm coping and steps that I need to take toward healing.  God put her in my life for a reason and I am not ashamed to admit that.  He arranged the whole thing; He knew she would be a means of support through my loss.  He knows that I want to heal so that I can effectively work for His Kingdom.  He also knows that I'm experiencing the most painful loss and grieving like I never have before.  So, why do I doubt Him?  He has given me nothing but assurance.  Yes, He allowed Jonah's life to be cut short on this earth...but more importantly He chose Jonah to leave this earth filled with pain and sorrow and wanted Jonah with Him.  What an honor!  God chose my son...wow!  My baby boy will never experience any of the grief that we experience on earth.  I just can't even fathom that!

I still don’t know why God chose Jonah.  Maybe I never will know while here on earth, but one thing I do know is God is good.  And I don’t mean that in a casual way…  I truly mean it He is a good God.  He knows something I don’t; He knows all that I don’t.  I like to think of it as He spared Jonah’s life.  Jonah is not dead.  His soul is alive and well.   He is a new creation, taken care of in the utmost way by his Creator.  God gave Him an everlasting life in heaven.  I don’t know what could have or would have happened had God not chosen Jonah.  What if God is protecting Jonah or our family from some sort of suffering?  I don’t know that, but I have to trust that God’s intentions are good and I know they are.

“His mercies are new every morning.”  I am so thankful for His mercy!  He has been merciful to me today.  I woke up feeling better, seeing my sweet Jonah on the pictures was another reminder that God is good...  His sweet feet, tiny head, perfect little nose, perfect lips, and that sweet little face.  God created something beautiful and good.  Jonah’s pictures are pictures of God’s goodness.  I have a beautiful boy that will be waiting for me when I get to heaven.

Thank you God for showing me Your goodness through my grief.

“The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; And He knows those who trust in Him.” ~Nahum 1:7