Much time has passed since my last blog. Time for reflection, healing, thinking, and growth....there has also been a lot of crazy, busy-ness! For the last few months I've been thinking about what my next post would be. So much has changed, yet so much remains the same.
It still amazes me to see how much God has used Jonah's little life to be a blessing. It just goes to show that He is a mighty God and can use ANYTHING for His glory. He gives and takes away and although I don't understand it all, it is all for good. He is good all the time, even when we might not see the good.
People have told me the pain of losing a child eventually starts to fade, that it becomes easier. I disagree. It never gets easier. You learn new ways of coping, you learn to seek God's face in a way like never before, but the pain remains. You might be ready to move on, but you never forget. How can you? It only takes a moment to fall in love with a perfect, innocent life that God so intricately formed. It's immediate attachment, whether that child is in your womb or in your arms, he remains in your heart forever. That's how it should be. There's no love like mommy's. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't ponder my son's life. I miss him. Jonah has impressed a tenderness in my heart forever.
Some have asked if we are still planning to have another child. About 10 years ago, Joe and I had talked about having 3 children of our own and adopting the 4th. Of course this was just "young love" talk, but it's funny how sometimes these little talks turn out to be pretty realistic. We've been blessed with 2 lovely girls and a sweet baby boy. Even though time was cut short with Jonah, he will always be our son. We had our 3 children, which leads us to our next step. I'm officially making this announcement for the first time on a public forum...so be excited! This summer we started the process with a foster to adopt program. We've started the home study and are working toward becoming licensed foster parents. Obviously, we are taking a huge leap of faith! There are no guarantees through this process, but then again, there aren't any guarantees in life. We are trusting that God will provide the right baby or child (or children) :) for our family. We've already been blessed with a wonderful caseworker and a great agency. We hope to have all of the requirements fulfilled by this Christmas, so we'd love to have your prayer support. The goal of this program is to temporarily foster a child and eventually become their permanent adoptive parents. We are thrilled with the the thought of adding to our family, but as parents we realize the new responsibilities this will entail. So please, all you folks who don't understand this or don't agree with it, keep your comments to yourself. We need positive support. I'm just keeping it real... :)
We don't know how this will all turn out, but we do know this is what we're called to do. The scriptures are clear about caring for the orphans, but we also realize this is not a calling for everyone. I'll admit, I have the fear of receiving a child, growing attached, and then having to let go of that child. My initial thought was, "I don't want another loss in our family." It took a few months, but God made it crystal clear for me - that's not a decision I can make, it's not in my control. My job is to trust and obey. We have a lot of love to give to a deserving life and that's what we plan on doing, whether it be long or short-term, to God be the glory.
Matthew 18:5, “Whoever receives a child in My name, receives Me.”
Monday, August 27, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Bearing and Sharing Burdens
"Bear
one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." -Galatians 6:2
Have you ever listened to someone share a story or a struggle that has literally made you grieve with them? Maybe it's a story of a loss of a loved one, a struggle with illness, or even an abusive relationship. You feel that person's pain to an extent. You cry for them or with them, your heart just doesn't seem to settle right. It could be someone you know well, or it could be a complete stranger, but for some reason it strikes a chord of grief within your heart. The idea of, "I can't imagine if this was me," seems to be unbearable and so you grieve. You are sad. You offer your support, your empathy, or maybe a genuine, heartfelt prayer for that person.
That's what God has called us to do. Sharing our burdens with one another lightens our load. The Bible tells us to "Cast our cares upon Him who cares for us." He promises to bring comfort and rest to our souls. He promises to take care of us, because no problem is too big for God. Sometimes God uses people in our lives to help lift or lighten that load. I cannot express the amount of support our family has experienced through our loss of Jonah. Many times while sharing my story, I watched the eyes of women and men fill up with tears and grieve with us. People have prayed over us, brought meals, sent cards, expressed heartfelt sympathy, people have embraced us. And somehow through each embrace of love and care our burden becomes lighter. With every act of kindness, we are learning to embrace God's grace instead of the pain of sorrow and grief.
It's amazing to think of how much impact we can have on one another's lives. I'm looking at things quite differently these days. God is teaching me to become a better empathizer, to care more for others and allow myself to "feel" the pain they are experiencing. Maybe the issue of a friend doesn't seem to be "that big of a deal" to you, but to your friend it might seem devastating. God never says that anyone's sorrow or pain is irrelevant. He never gives a degree or level of which type of grieving or sadness is worse. In other words what one person might be feeling as sadness may not be taken to the same level for another person...and that's ok. We are all made so unique and different. We can't judge the level of sorrow based on our own feelings, but what we could do is carry some of the burden for one another.
The thought of me being able to help a friend through their grieving process or help lighten the load of their sorrow somehow helps me through my healing process. It's being obedient to God's instruction of Bearing one another's burdens, to fulfill the law of Christ." Instead of having the "It's not my business, that's their problem" attitude, or being too afraid to step out of your comfort zone to help someone, think of what God calls us to do.
I am grateful and blessed for the dozens of people who have grieved with us. Not only have you been incredibly helpful in our healing process, you have also set an example of how God wants us to exemplify His love. Thank you for your courage to allow yourself to feel sorrow and for your kind & loving heart that has poured into mine. I am overwhelmed with God's loving tenderness and grateful that you are a part of that.
Have you ever listened to someone share a story or a struggle that has literally made you grieve with them? Maybe it's a story of a loss of a loved one, a struggle with illness, or even an abusive relationship. You feel that person's pain to an extent. You cry for them or with them, your heart just doesn't seem to settle right. It could be someone you know well, or it could be a complete stranger, but for some reason it strikes a chord of grief within your heart. The idea of, "I can't imagine if this was me," seems to be unbearable and so you grieve. You are sad. You offer your support, your empathy, or maybe a genuine, heartfelt prayer for that person.
That's what God has called us to do. Sharing our burdens with one another lightens our load. The Bible tells us to "Cast our cares upon Him who cares for us." He promises to bring comfort and rest to our souls. He promises to take care of us, because no problem is too big for God. Sometimes God uses people in our lives to help lift or lighten that load. I cannot express the amount of support our family has experienced through our loss of Jonah. Many times while sharing my story, I watched the eyes of women and men fill up with tears and grieve with us. People have prayed over us, brought meals, sent cards, expressed heartfelt sympathy, people have embraced us. And somehow through each embrace of love and care our burden becomes lighter. With every act of kindness, we are learning to embrace God's grace instead of the pain of sorrow and grief.
It's amazing to think of how much impact we can have on one another's lives. I'm looking at things quite differently these days. God is teaching me to become a better empathizer, to care more for others and allow myself to "feel" the pain they are experiencing. Maybe the issue of a friend doesn't seem to be "that big of a deal" to you, but to your friend it might seem devastating. God never says that anyone's sorrow or pain is irrelevant. He never gives a degree or level of which type of grieving or sadness is worse. In other words what one person might be feeling as sadness may not be taken to the same level for another person...and that's ok. We are all made so unique and different. We can't judge the level of sorrow based on our own feelings, but what we could do is carry some of the burden for one another.
The thought of me being able to help a friend through their grieving process or help lighten the load of their sorrow somehow helps me through my healing process. It's being obedient to God's instruction of Bearing one another's burdens, to fulfill the law of Christ." Instead of having the "It's not my business, that's their problem" attitude, or being too afraid to step out of your comfort zone to help someone, think of what God calls us to do.
I am grateful and blessed for the dozens of people who have grieved with us. Not only have you been incredibly helpful in our healing process, you have also set an example of how God wants us to exemplify His love. Thank you for your courage to allow yourself to feel sorrow and for your kind & loving heart that has poured into mine. I am overwhelmed with God's loving tenderness and grateful that you are a part of that.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Pictures of His Goodness
For the last few weeks, I have been anxiously awaiting
Jonah's pictures. After delivering
Jonah, the hospital staff asked if we wanted to have someone photograph Jonah
during his short, sweet life. I wasn't
exactly sure if I could see them right away, but I knew that one day I would
want to, so we decided having pictures was a good idea. The funny thing is that I could not stop
thinking about those pictures from the moment I arrived home from the
hospital. I was literally praying they
would get to my house safely... I could not handle the thought of something
happening to those pictures. I won't
have a lot of memories with Jonah, but this was the one thing I could count
on. Seeing him...remembering him, what
he looked like, and how much his life meant to me. Each day I would check the mail with wide
eyes only to find they weren't there. I
prayed that God would allow them to arrive at my house in His timing.
During my pregnancy with Jonah, I started seeing a
counselor. This is not something I usually
share, but I've said from the beginning I'm going to be open about my
journey. While pregnant with Jonah I
struggled a little more than usual with anxiety because of the first
miscarriage we had before Jonah. My
counselor (who is a Godsend) was able to help guide me through the first
trimester and encourage me through my struggle with anxiety. God knew that I would need her not only for
my pregnancy, but after my loss as well.
While I was in the hospital and in labor, my counselor actually came to visit
me. This visit really made clear that
she is not just any counselor and this is not just any patient-therapist
relationship. This woman is special. It's as though she has been grieving with
me. She was able to bring some comfort
during that dark time of knowing the inevitable. Giving me wisdom and graciously consoling me,
she reassured me that she would be here to support me no matter what happened
that day. That is exactly what she has
done for me. About a week after Jonah
was born I had an hour appointment set with her. Just being able share my grief, my thoughts,
and my fears with someone who has education and experience in the area of grief
has been incredibly helpful. She is able
to offer me ideas, wisdom, and support as an "outside" person. After that appointment we agreed that I would
call her to set up another appointment to touch base and see how things were
going through my grieving process. After
looking at my calendar, I scheduled an appointment for Thursday, 2/23. There was no particular reason why I picked
this day, it just happened to work out for both of our schedules. However, God knew this was the day I would
need to meet with her.
On Wednesday, Feb. 22nd, as I approached the front door of
my house after work, there it was! Jonah's
pictures had finally arrived! My
immediate reaction was joy... I was completely overjoyed that God had answered
my prayers and the cd with Jonah's pictures arrived safely. Before I was even able to take off my coat I
ran over to the computer and inserted the cd, with Joe by my side (also waiting
for the pictures to load), I wasn't sure what to expect. Once the pictures appeared on my computer
screen we were once again in awe.
Brought back to the moment of when he was born. The joy, the pain, the happiness, the
sorrow...all flooded back. My heart...it
aches. My arms...they yearn. My womb...empty. Once again, I take 2 steps backward in my
healing process as I am brought back to that moment. The moment where we welcomed our baby boy
into this world, and had to let him go way too soon. "Why Dear God...why? Why must we go through this storm, what are
you trying to do here?" I can
almost hear Him say, "My beloved, I'm growing you, I'm working here, just
trust Me." This is so not
easy! I am so weak, I am hurting, my
heart is broken, my body is weary...I need help! After a restless night of not so much sleep,
the next day brought an overload of sadness.
The gloomy weather did not help any, but the reality of what really
happened set in. I just viewed the
pictures of my child, my baby that is now in heaven. I have a son.
He's in heaven, but I have a son.
That is a lot to take in...I can't do this alone God.
It's funny how God works... "It just so happened"
that Wednesday I received the pictures and Thursday I had an appointment set
with my counselor. I can say this was
definitely not a coincidence; this was not an "it just so happened"
instance. God knew I would need to meet
with my counselor. He knew in advance
that Thursday was a day of acceptance (once again), a day of sadness, and that
I needed help. He planned that afternoon
appointment with my counselor. Not that
she has any "magic dust" to make things better, but she has great
insight as to how I'm coping and steps that I need to take toward healing. God put her in my life for a reason and I am
not ashamed to admit that. He arranged
the whole thing; He knew she would be a means of support through my loss. He knows that I want to heal so that I can
effectively work for His Kingdom. He
also knows that I'm experiencing the most painful loss and grieving like I
never have before. So, why do I doubt
Him? He has given me nothing but
assurance. Yes, He allowed Jonah's life
to be cut short on this earth...but more importantly He chose Jonah to leave
this earth filled with pain and sorrow and wanted Jonah with Him. What an honor! God chose my son...wow! My baby boy will never experience any of the
grief that we experience on earth. I
just can't even fathom that!
I still don’t know why God chose Jonah. Maybe I never will know while here on earth,
but one thing I do know is God is good. And
I don’t mean that in a casual way… I
truly mean it He is a good God. He knows
something I don’t; He knows all that I don’t.
I like to think of it as He spared
Jonah’s life. Jonah is not
dead. His soul is alive and well. He is a new creation, taken care of in the
utmost way by his Creator. God gave Him
an everlasting life in heaven. I don’t
know what could have or would have happened had God not chosen Jonah. What if God is protecting Jonah or our family
from some sort of suffering? I don’t
know that, but I have to trust that God’s intentions are good and I know they
are.
“His mercies are new
every morning.” I am so thankful for
His mercy! He has been merciful to me
today. I woke up feeling better, seeing my
sweet Jonah on the pictures was another reminder that God is good... His sweet feet, tiny head, perfect little
nose, perfect lips, and that sweet little face.
God created something beautiful and good. Jonah’s
pictures are pictures of God’s goodness.
I have a beautiful boy that will be waiting for me when I get to heaven.
Thank you God for showing me Your goodness through my grief.
“The Lord is good, a
stronghold in the day of trouble; And He knows those who trust in Him.” ~Nahum
1:7
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Good Grief! Part 2
My last post included the beginning stages of grief, so this is part 2 of that post.
In my last post Good Grief (part 1), I included the first 2 stages - Denial, which I feel I processed through pretty quickly and Anger, which I am still struggling through. I will say that I have made some progress (on some days at least). It is so easy to get discouraged and disappointed and at this point all I can do is bring it to God. In my experience, that is my only comfort because nothing can take a mother's pain or anger away after losing a child... Nothing, but God of course. I am a work in progress.
The next step of the grieving process according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, is bargaining. I've given this a lot of thought because I have not gone through this stage. I know these stages come and go in different waves for different people, but I don't think I'll ever go through the whole bargaining stage. What would I bargain? As a believer in Christ, I know He is not a bargaining God, He doesn't work that way. It's not like I can bargain with God to gain back what I've lost. I'm not saying that people don't ever feel this way or that it is wrong. Everyone processes grief so differently. For me personally, I think I've just realized that acceptance is key in my healing process. If I deny what happened or try to bargain, then I'm delaying my healing process.
The 4th stage of the grieving process is depression. This is a sensitive subject for me. I'm going to be bold and share openly because I know I'm not alone with this topic. Depression is a very real thing. I experienced depression for the first time about 8 years ago and I never want to go back to that deep, dark, time. It has been a battle for me to have victory over depression. Thankfully, God has covered me with His Grace and His Mercy, and I have been able to live a depression free life since my darkest moment in time. It has not been easy, it does not come easy. Needless to say depression is not something I want to experience again...not like that. I'm not saying that I have not experienced circumstantial depression. Every day I struggle with times of feeling down because I was so close to having my baby boy...even to the point of carrying him in my arms. I've allowed myself to feel down and cry a river of tears, but I refuse to knowingly allow myself to slip into a depression as a result of not wanting to heal. It's like I have a constant battle within my own mind...I feel down or depressed at times, but I know I can't stay that way because I have so much to live for. So, I pray and surrender through my depression, but then the guilt kicks in. I feel guilty because I'm moving on and not wanting to feel down or depressed. I feel guilty because I never want to forget what I went through and how I felt when I held Jonah. I think guilt should be added to this grieving process because I can almost guarantee most people struggle with guilt when they are grieving. My only hope is that "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." His promises will carry me through even my darkest days.
The final stage is acceptance. Where do I begin? Have I accepted that we lost our child? Yes, I believe so. Have I totally accepted the fact that I may never know why we lost our child? No, and I probably never will. This kind of goes back to the anger stage and the "why" questions. Acceptance is not just accepting that we lost a child. For me, it's accepting everything about and around the circumstance. I'm not sure if this comes with time or if it will never happen. I'm sure it's different for everyone, and I'm not saying that I will never fully heal. However, my life...our lives are forever changed. No matter how much acceptance, how much healing, or how much moving forward we do, our lives will never be the same. Now that's something I have accepted - things will never be the same. I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way, because there has been a lot of good from this situation. It actually hurts me to say that, "a lot of good things are coming out of this loss." How can good come from losing a child? You see, these are the battles I daily fight through in my mind. Fortunately, God has allowed me to see the good. God did not allow Jonah to live such a short life for no reason...it will be used for good. I'm not exactly sure how it will all work out, but I do know that "God works all things together for good for those who love Him."
So, my primary job is to love God. Trust Him, to be faithful to Him, to put my confidence in Him. He'll take care of the rest...it sounds so easy, but I find myself struggling to do this so often. The truth is though; He is the only one that can carry me through this grieving process. His Grace & Mercy are sufficient for me. He promises to heal and comfort me. "But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him."
Heavenly Father, heal my broken heart. You created it so I beg you to mend it. I may not understand why this happened, but I ask that you would give me the strength to accept what I do not understand. Lord, teach me to trust you no matter the cost. You are my comforter and I am desperate for your grace and mercy. Forgive me for my anger and for my lack of acceptance. Help me to continue to seek you each and every day and let me never grow weary during my journey of drawing closer to you. I need you Lord. Thank you for your unconditional and everlasting love. ~amen
In my last post Good Grief (part 1), I included the first 2 stages - Denial, which I feel I processed through pretty quickly and Anger, which I am still struggling through. I will say that I have made some progress (on some days at least). It is so easy to get discouraged and disappointed and at this point all I can do is bring it to God. In my experience, that is my only comfort because nothing can take a mother's pain or anger away after losing a child... Nothing, but God of course. I am a work in progress.
The next step of the grieving process according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, is bargaining. I've given this a lot of thought because I have not gone through this stage. I know these stages come and go in different waves for different people, but I don't think I'll ever go through the whole bargaining stage. What would I bargain? As a believer in Christ, I know He is not a bargaining God, He doesn't work that way. It's not like I can bargain with God to gain back what I've lost. I'm not saying that people don't ever feel this way or that it is wrong. Everyone processes grief so differently. For me personally, I think I've just realized that acceptance is key in my healing process. If I deny what happened or try to bargain, then I'm delaying my healing process.
The 4th stage of the grieving process is depression. This is a sensitive subject for me. I'm going to be bold and share openly because I know I'm not alone with this topic. Depression is a very real thing. I experienced depression for the first time about 8 years ago and I never want to go back to that deep, dark, time. It has been a battle for me to have victory over depression. Thankfully, God has covered me with His Grace and His Mercy, and I have been able to live a depression free life since my darkest moment in time. It has not been easy, it does not come easy. Needless to say depression is not something I want to experience again...not like that. I'm not saying that I have not experienced circumstantial depression. Every day I struggle with times of feeling down because I was so close to having my baby boy...even to the point of carrying him in my arms. I've allowed myself to feel down and cry a river of tears, but I refuse to knowingly allow myself to slip into a depression as a result of not wanting to heal. It's like I have a constant battle within my own mind...I feel down or depressed at times, but I know I can't stay that way because I have so much to live for. So, I pray and surrender through my depression, but then the guilt kicks in. I feel guilty because I'm moving on and not wanting to feel down or depressed. I feel guilty because I never want to forget what I went through and how I felt when I held Jonah. I think guilt should be added to this grieving process because I can almost guarantee most people struggle with guilt when they are grieving. My only hope is that "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." His promises will carry me through even my darkest days.
The final stage is acceptance. Where do I begin? Have I accepted that we lost our child? Yes, I believe so. Have I totally accepted the fact that I may never know why we lost our child? No, and I probably never will. This kind of goes back to the anger stage and the "why" questions. Acceptance is not just accepting that we lost a child. For me, it's accepting everything about and around the circumstance. I'm not sure if this comes with time or if it will never happen. I'm sure it's different for everyone, and I'm not saying that I will never fully heal. However, my life...our lives are forever changed. No matter how much acceptance, how much healing, or how much moving forward we do, our lives will never be the same. Now that's something I have accepted - things will never be the same. I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way, because there has been a lot of good from this situation. It actually hurts me to say that, "a lot of good things are coming out of this loss." How can good come from losing a child? You see, these are the battles I daily fight through in my mind. Fortunately, God has allowed me to see the good. God did not allow Jonah to live such a short life for no reason...it will be used for good. I'm not exactly sure how it will all work out, but I do know that "God works all things together for good for those who love Him."
So, my primary job is to love God. Trust Him, to be faithful to Him, to put my confidence in Him. He'll take care of the rest...it sounds so easy, but I find myself struggling to do this so often. The truth is though; He is the only one that can carry me through this grieving process. His Grace & Mercy are sufficient for me. He promises to heal and comfort me. "But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him."
Heavenly Father, heal my broken heart. You created it so I beg you to mend it. I may not understand why this happened, but I ask that you would give me the strength to accept what I do not understand. Lord, teach me to trust you no matter the cost. You are my comforter and I am desperate for your grace and mercy. Forgive me for my anger and for my lack of acceptance. Help me to continue to seek you each and every day and let me never grow weary during my journey of drawing closer to you. I need you Lord. Thank you for your unconditional and everlasting love. ~amen
Friday, February 17, 2012
Good Grief! (Part 1)
I remember learning about the stages of grief in some of the many Psychology classes I took while attending college. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was one of the Psychiatrists that developed her own theory of the stages of grief.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Of course many factors come into play when you create a theory like this. Not everyone will experience these stages, and some will probably not experience them in this order. Although I would guess that most would experience at least 1 of these stages in a time of grief or loss.
For me personally, I would have to say my denial came right away. It was short lived, because my situation was inevitable. My time of denial came right about when I went into labor. I was in disbelief and could not understand why this was happening. I’ve already had 2 daughters, both by c-section because my body would not naturally or with medical induction go into labor. So how could it be that my body was so ready to deliver a baby at 19 1/2 weeks? I couldn't understand and in a way, I didn't want to understand. However, as time went on that day, it became very clear that I needed to get out of denial quickly.
I had my time of panic and fear, thinking I was going to pass out because this was all too much to bear... In all the hustle and bustle of the doctors and nurses coming in and out of our room, I thought to myself, "Wait a minute, I have a relationship with a God who promises to protect me, I serve a big God...a GREAT God. He will not put me in a situation that I can't handle without His help." I prayed that God would give me the strength and peace I needed to get through that moment. I prayed for His will to take place, even if it meant accepting the fact that I would lose my baby. I prayed for a sound mind. He provided my needs, and even though I didn’t get exactly what I wanted, He showed me that He was in complete control.
This next stage anger - is one that has been a constant battle for me. I cannot say that I am angry at one particular person. If I’m being honest, I just find that I get angry. Angry that I did not get more time with my son, angry that my body reacted the way it did, angry that I don’t have any answers, and sometimes angry because I am feeling angry (if that makes sense). This is an area that I have truly felt God working on in my life. In my anger I am often convicted. “For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” James 1:20. Although I do feel that God has given me full permission to be real with my feelings and bring my anger to Him. The unrighteousness part comes in when I make poor choices as a result of my anger. For example, blame. Blaming others for my situation is an example of taking my feelings of grief and turning it into sin. The truth is it is not anyone’s “fault” for me losing my son. Blaming the hospital, doctors, myself, or anything/anyone else is wrong…it’s sin. Not to mention, it’s not going to help me in this situation. However, going through the actual process, letting myself feel the anger, and then dealing with it the right way has been a great help in my healing process. Even when it is hard, I ask God to be my Great Physician and heal my heart. I don’t desire to be angry, I desire to have a heart abounding in love…it’s just impossible to get to that point on my own. I need the Ultimate Physician.
(To be continued)
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Of course many factors come into play when you create a theory like this. Not everyone will experience these stages, and some will probably not experience them in this order. Although I would guess that most would experience at least 1 of these stages in a time of grief or loss.
For me personally, I would have to say my denial came right away. It was short lived, because my situation was inevitable. My time of denial came right about when I went into labor. I was in disbelief and could not understand why this was happening. I’ve already had 2 daughters, both by c-section because my body would not naturally or with medical induction go into labor. So how could it be that my body was so ready to deliver a baby at 19 1/2 weeks? I couldn't understand and in a way, I didn't want to understand. However, as time went on that day, it became very clear that I needed to get out of denial quickly.
I had my time of panic and fear, thinking I was going to pass out because this was all too much to bear... In all the hustle and bustle of the doctors and nurses coming in and out of our room, I thought to myself, "Wait a minute, I have a relationship with a God who promises to protect me, I serve a big God...a GREAT God. He will not put me in a situation that I can't handle without His help." I prayed that God would give me the strength and peace I needed to get through that moment. I prayed for His will to take place, even if it meant accepting the fact that I would lose my baby. I prayed for a sound mind. He provided my needs, and even though I didn’t get exactly what I wanted, He showed me that He was in complete control.
This next stage anger - is one that has been a constant battle for me. I cannot say that I am angry at one particular person. If I’m being honest, I just find that I get angry. Angry that I did not get more time with my son, angry that my body reacted the way it did, angry that I don’t have any answers, and sometimes angry because I am feeling angry (if that makes sense). This is an area that I have truly felt God working on in my life. In my anger I am often convicted. “For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” James 1:20. Although I do feel that God has given me full permission to be real with my feelings and bring my anger to Him. The unrighteousness part comes in when I make poor choices as a result of my anger. For example, blame. Blaming others for my situation is an example of taking my feelings of grief and turning it into sin. The truth is it is not anyone’s “fault” for me losing my son. Blaming the hospital, doctors, myself, or anything/anyone else is wrong…it’s sin. Not to mention, it’s not going to help me in this situation. However, going through the actual process, letting myself feel the anger, and then dealing with it the right way has been a great help in my healing process. Even when it is hard, I ask God to be my Great Physician and heal my heart. I don’t desire to be angry, I desire to have a heart abounding in love…it’s just impossible to get to that point on my own. I need the Ultimate Physician.
(To be continued)
Monday, February 13, 2012
Easily Offended
Sometimes people say things and you can't help but wonder what they mean by it. Are they lacking in communication skills? Are they intentionally out to hurt me? Maybe they're just on a different page than I am... I would guess that most people either aren't communicating in a way that I can understand or they just aren't understanding the situation I'm in, or maybe not on the same page as me. I've been convicted on how easily I am offended by others, especially lately.
I find that many people are uncomfortable talking about my loss and just don't know what to say to me when they see me and well, let's just say, sometimes it's better to say nothing than to say something ignorant. For example, I cannot tell you how many times I've heard, "I know how you feel, we've been through this as well." OK, first of all, nobody knows how I feel except God. Everyone's pain is different. Secondly, what exactly have you been through, because you have no idea what I've been through, so how could you possibly "know how I feel?" Another one that bothers me is, "Sorry for your miscarriage." I get so upset by this because my loss was not just a miscarriage, this was the loss of a baby, the loss of my baby! I'm not saying my responses are the right way to respond, because I don't think they are. When I respond this way, I am responding angrily, selfishly, and with a sinful nature. I am easily offended.
The truth is, people who say things like this are really trying to help me. They probably think they are showing me empathy by telling me I am not alone. They are probably searching for the right words to say and are doing the best they can. Last week I had a friend expressing how excited she was because they had just welcomed a new baby into their family. She started sharing the details of her emotions and what a happy time it was for her. All I could think of was how sad I was and I could not believe she was actually sharing these details with me. My pain is so fresh, so recent. "How could you do this to me? Why would you be so insensitive." As we parted, I cried. I was hurt and my heart yearned and ached for my healthy baby boy. I really had to take a step back and think about the conversation. Later on I was in deep thought about it and it hit me. This person is not a mother. She has never experienced motherhood, the loss of a baby, or anything remotely close. How could I expect her to understand my pain? She didn't mean any harm in sharing her joy with me. She had a right to be excited, joyful, and happy... I would have been too, if I were in her shoes. God gave me the grace I needed to forgive her.
So, why am I so easily offended? Do I have a pride issue? Am I too sensitive? Or, do I have a problem understanding others? Maybe a combination of all? I'm not sure, but I do know it's part of my sinful nature and I don't want any part of it. I've noticed that when I am easily offended, it is easier for me to commit an offense, which then leads to more sin. It doesn't take much to be offended when you are already hurting. That's exactly what the devil wants. He would love to see disunity, especially between believers. He would love nothing more to put a halt to my spiritual growth and leave me feeling sad and empty all because I take things too personally or out of context.
In these moments when I am offended, I have to literally and intentionally take a step back and look at the big picture. People are not intentionally trying to hurt me, they are trying to help me. They are offering their support in the way they know how and there is nothing wrong with that. I want to see the good in people, bring out the best in them. It is not my job to judge or assume the worst, that only leads to dissension. I can't imagine how offensive I've been to God! Yet, He still loves and forgives me.... I can't think of a better example to follow than Christ's.
"Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long suffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:12-17
I find that many people are uncomfortable talking about my loss and just don't know what to say to me when they see me and well, let's just say, sometimes it's better to say nothing than to say something ignorant. For example, I cannot tell you how many times I've heard, "I know how you feel, we've been through this as well." OK, first of all, nobody knows how I feel except God. Everyone's pain is different. Secondly, what exactly have you been through, because you have no idea what I've been through, so how could you possibly "know how I feel?" Another one that bothers me is, "Sorry for your miscarriage." I get so upset by this because my loss was not just a miscarriage, this was the loss of a baby, the loss of my baby! I'm not saying my responses are the right way to respond, because I don't think they are. When I respond this way, I am responding angrily, selfishly, and with a sinful nature. I am easily offended.
The truth is, people who say things like this are really trying to help me. They probably think they are showing me empathy by telling me I am not alone. They are probably searching for the right words to say and are doing the best they can. Last week I had a friend expressing how excited she was because they had just welcomed a new baby into their family. She started sharing the details of her emotions and what a happy time it was for her. All I could think of was how sad I was and I could not believe she was actually sharing these details with me. My pain is so fresh, so recent. "How could you do this to me? Why would you be so insensitive." As we parted, I cried. I was hurt and my heart yearned and ached for my healthy baby boy. I really had to take a step back and think about the conversation. Later on I was in deep thought about it and it hit me. This person is not a mother. She has never experienced motherhood, the loss of a baby, or anything remotely close. How could I expect her to understand my pain? She didn't mean any harm in sharing her joy with me. She had a right to be excited, joyful, and happy... I would have been too, if I were in her shoes. God gave me the grace I needed to forgive her.
So, why am I so easily offended? Do I have a pride issue? Am I too sensitive? Or, do I have a problem understanding others? Maybe a combination of all? I'm not sure, but I do know it's part of my sinful nature and I don't want any part of it. I've noticed that when I am easily offended, it is easier for me to commit an offense, which then leads to more sin. It doesn't take much to be offended when you are already hurting. That's exactly what the devil wants. He would love to see disunity, especially between believers. He would love nothing more to put a halt to my spiritual growth and leave me feeling sad and empty all because I take things too personally or out of context.
In these moments when I am offended, I have to literally and intentionally take a step back and look at the big picture. People are not intentionally trying to hurt me, they are trying to help me. They are offering their support in the way they know how and there is nothing wrong with that. I want to see the good in people, bring out the best in them. It is not my job to judge or assume the worst, that only leads to dissension. I can't imagine how offensive I've been to God! Yet, He still loves and forgives me.... I can't think of a better example to follow than Christ's.
"Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long suffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:12-17
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Enough is Enough!
"How much more can we handle"? That's a question that I am almost fearful to even ask. After such a devastating loss, we've had some setbacks that have made me want to say enough is enough! Between us getting sick, the kids up in the middle night because they are sick, an emergency visit to the doctor, our washer temporarily not working, the lack of sleep and other daily interruptions - we are tired. Most of these are issues people deal with on a daily basis, but when you combine it with everything else we are feeling, we are exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's those little unexpected things that pop up in your day that make you say, "Now what?! Can anything ever go the way I want it to?" Then I think about the old hymn It Is Well With My Soul. The writer of that hymn Horatio Spafford, experienced much grief. He lost his 4 yr old son, was depleted financially because of the Chicago Fire, lost all 4 of his daughters, then lost another son as an infant. And I beg...."Lord, please don't allow this much grief to happen to my family. Forgive me for being selfish and complaining about my small troubles." Many people have told me they can't imagine what I'm going through, but I really cannot imagine what Spafford went through. He and his wife must have been incredibly strong people and God must have been truly merciful and gracious in giving them strength, because no human strength could combat that kind of pain and sorrow.
Through my blogging and communication I want to make one thing very clear. I am weak. I am fragile and powerless. I am grateful for the encouragement of people telling me I have been so strong, but the truth is I am not. I am telling you - that I am nothing. I have no special coping powers, no great strength, not an ounce of toughness. In fact, I have struggled with fear and anxiety all of my life. I never would have expected that God would have allowed me to lose a child or to experience so much grief. It is only because He has and is completely carrying me through this trial that I am able to even write this blog today. He has shown me that His grace is sufficient for me on a whole new level. I know that God had full power to spare my son's life and stop me from preterm labor, but He did not choose to do that. It's like He is showing me how strong He wants me to be and providing all the grace I need to get through this. I question Him all the time because I have so many unanswered questions, but in a strange way, I totally get it. I'm confident He's going to do marvelous and wonderful works through my loss in ways I would have never imagined. That's when my hope kicks in again and He allows me to see peace that surpasses all understanding. He again reminds me that no problem is too big for Him
So, all that begging and pleading with God to limit the amount of pain or suffering I experience really doesn't make much sense. Let's face it, God can do what He wants, when He wants. Who am I to try and limit His capabilities in my narrow little mind? He sees things from every aspect, short term, long term, every single dynamic we could possibly think of. So why can't I let go and just trust Him? Well, that goes back to the part where I said "I have struggled with fear and anxiety all of my life." Maybe some of you reading this can empathize with me. If you can, let's commit to trusting in our Almighty God today. He is sovereign, all-knowing, omnipotent, and He loves & cares for us. He won't give us anything we can't handle without His help. Instead of praying or pleading with God for certain things not to happen, let's pray that God will carry us through whatever comes our way. Pray that he grants His peace, wisdom, strength, and grace to get through whatever life brings. If there is anything He is showing me now, it is that He can and will use even the most difficult times for growth and His Glory.
"As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him." -2 Samuel 22:31
Through my blogging and communication I want to make one thing very clear. I am weak. I am fragile and powerless. I am grateful for the encouragement of people telling me I have been so strong, but the truth is I am not. I am telling you - that I am nothing. I have no special coping powers, no great strength, not an ounce of toughness. In fact, I have struggled with fear and anxiety all of my life. I never would have expected that God would have allowed me to lose a child or to experience so much grief. It is only because He has and is completely carrying me through this trial that I am able to even write this blog today. He has shown me that His grace is sufficient for me on a whole new level. I know that God had full power to spare my son's life and stop me from preterm labor, but He did not choose to do that. It's like He is showing me how strong He wants me to be and providing all the grace I need to get through this. I question Him all the time because I have so many unanswered questions, but in a strange way, I totally get it. I'm confident He's going to do marvelous and wonderful works through my loss in ways I would have never imagined. That's when my hope kicks in again and He allows me to see peace that surpasses all understanding. He again reminds me that no problem is too big for Him
So, all that begging and pleading with God to limit the amount of pain or suffering I experience really doesn't make much sense. Let's face it, God can do what He wants, when He wants. Who am I to try and limit His capabilities in my narrow little mind? He sees things from every aspect, short term, long term, every single dynamic we could possibly think of. So why can't I let go and just trust Him? Well, that goes back to the part where I said "I have struggled with fear and anxiety all of my life." Maybe some of you reading this can empathize with me. If you can, let's commit to trusting in our Almighty God today. He is sovereign, all-knowing, omnipotent, and He loves & cares for us. He won't give us anything we can't handle without His help. Instead of praying or pleading with God for certain things not to happen, let's pray that God will carry us through whatever comes our way. Pray that he grants His peace, wisdom, strength, and grace to get through whatever life brings. If there is anything He is showing me now, it is that He can and will use even the most difficult times for growth and His Glory.
"As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him." -2 Samuel 22:31
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
My Desperate Cry
"But You, O Lord, do not be far from Me; O My Strength, hasten to help Me!" Psalm 22:19
Have you ever felt desperate? So desperate that maybe you don't believe in God but you found yourself calling out or crying out to him in your desperate time of need? When life comes easy, filled with joy, and things seem to be going your way maybe you think you've got it all under control. Or, maybe your prayer life, Bible reading, and worship slowly take the back burner because you feel you are not in need of God's help at that moment. I have been there. I'll be the first to admit, I've messed up.
I think sometimes God allows us to come to the point of crying out to him. Sometimes we become so depleted, so desperate that all we can do is cry out in desperation. All the while he hears, he is listening, and I picture Him saying, "My beloved, I will never leave you, I am right here with you." In my weakest moments or during my times of desperation I remember His promises. For when I am weak then I am strong. His power is made perfect in weakness. I am experiencing this right now in my life at such a deep level. Last night, I had one of those desperate moments, one of the many I will probably come face to face with in this life.
On our way to dinner last night, I received a phone call in regards to Jonah. I won't go into details because it is a painful topic to rehash, but it was about a mistake the medical examiner had made. I suddenly felt myself in a panic. I know my son is in heaven, resting in the arms of Jesus peacefully amongst the other perfect little babies and children. However, the visual image I was now given is not what any mother or father should have to endure. Oh the pain, the heartache, my son...he should be with me, in my arms, resting safely! My selfishness kicked in and the protective mother started to come out of me. I want to be holding my baby, I want to care for him, he needs me! And then...the Lord reminds me, who better to care for your precious baby boy then his maker? With that reminder, I cry out..."Lord help me, I need you, take my pain, I'm desperate for you!" I would love to feel God physically wrap His arms around me and tell me everything is going to be fine, but He doesn't always answer the way we want or expect. Instead, I began to feel the peace I was in need of. I have 2 beautiful daughters and in their innocence and with tenderness they began asking if I was OK. I have a husband that was holding my hand, weeping with me, and telling me he is here for me and that he is so sorry. I have a mom and dad heartbroken over our loss, who are more than supportive, and offering help in anyway they can. God gave me the love and support of my family wrapping their arms around me in that time of desperation.
My mind has been going a thousand miles a minute just processing and thinking through all of this. So, I can't help but to question what people do when they don't believe in God? Who do they turn to when they don't have a relationship with their Savior? What is their hope based upon? Life without hope is nothing but death -darkness, death, hopelessness, sadness. Who would want that? Why would you choose not to believe at all instead of taking a chance and believing in the one true God who sent His Son to saves us.
In your time of desperation who will you call upon? Maybe it's not a time of desperation but it could be a need or just a time of questioning. Instead of waiting until that point of desperation to call upon the Lord, let's start practicing now. Every question, every answer, every word spoken, every action, EVERYTHING should be surrendered and given to God. Can you imagine how life would be if we committed to giving it all to God? Wow, it's hard for me to fathom...to think that I've been so selfish and wanted things my way.
Thank you Lord for revealing to me the right way. Now, help me to follow through and do things the right way - Your way.
Have you ever felt desperate? So desperate that maybe you don't believe in God but you found yourself calling out or crying out to him in your desperate time of need? When life comes easy, filled with joy, and things seem to be going your way maybe you think you've got it all under control. Or, maybe your prayer life, Bible reading, and worship slowly take the back burner because you feel you are not in need of God's help at that moment. I have been there. I'll be the first to admit, I've messed up.
I think sometimes God allows us to come to the point of crying out to him. Sometimes we become so depleted, so desperate that all we can do is cry out in desperation. All the while he hears, he is listening, and I picture Him saying, "My beloved, I will never leave you, I am right here with you." In my weakest moments or during my times of desperation I remember His promises. For when I am weak then I am strong. His power is made perfect in weakness. I am experiencing this right now in my life at such a deep level. Last night, I had one of those desperate moments, one of the many I will probably come face to face with in this life.
On our way to dinner last night, I received a phone call in regards to Jonah. I won't go into details because it is a painful topic to rehash, but it was about a mistake the medical examiner had made. I suddenly felt myself in a panic. I know my son is in heaven, resting in the arms of Jesus peacefully amongst the other perfect little babies and children. However, the visual image I was now given is not what any mother or father should have to endure. Oh the pain, the heartache, my son...he should be with me, in my arms, resting safely! My selfishness kicked in and the protective mother started to come out of me. I want to be holding my baby, I want to care for him, he needs me! And then...the Lord reminds me, who better to care for your precious baby boy then his maker? With that reminder, I cry out..."Lord help me, I need you, take my pain, I'm desperate for you!" I would love to feel God physically wrap His arms around me and tell me everything is going to be fine, but He doesn't always answer the way we want or expect. Instead, I began to feel the peace I was in need of. I have 2 beautiful daughters and in their innocence and with tenderness they began asking if I was OK. I have a husband that was holding my hand, weeping with me, and telling me he is here for me and that he is so sorry. I have a mom and dad heartbroken over our loss, who are more than supportive, and offering help in anyway they can. God gave me the love and support of my family wrapping their arms around me in that time of desperation.
My mind has been going a thousand miles a minute just processing and thinking through all of this. So, I can't help but to question what people do when they don't believe in God? Who do they turn to when they don't have a relationship with their Savior? What is their hope based upon? Life without hope is nothing but death -darkness, death, hopelessness, sadness. Who would want that? Why would you choose not to believe at all instead of taking a chance and believing in the one true God who sent His Son to saves us.
In your time of desperation who will you call upon? Maybe it's not a time of desperation but it could be a need or just a time of questioning. Instead of waiting until that point of desperation to call upon the Lord, let's start practicing now. Every question, every answer, every word spoken, every action, EVERYTHING should be surrendered and given to God. Can you imagine how life would be if we committed to giving it all to God? Wow, it's hard for me to fathom...to think that I've been so selfish and wanted things my way.
Thank you Lord for revealing to me the right way. Now, help me to follow through and do things the right way - Your way.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Permission to Grieve
It's been 11 days. 11 days since my life changed forever. 11 days that I lost a part of me. 11 days since I've been given a new outlook on life. 11 days ago, God gave me strength that I never though I'd have. He used the beautiful life of my son, Jonah Michael to change my life forever. I know many people have questions as to what happened. I haven't posted anything for a while, and I appreciate the privacy and time everyone has given us through this time. I could keep going like this and never share my story, but what good would that do? When you have a story like mine, you find hope and peace in knowing that someday, this will be used for good. God can and will take my experiences, my story and use it for His Glory. That alone gives me hope.
Being a military family has not been easy. We've had 2 long term military deployments in the past 9 years of our marriage. For this last one, Joe was called to Kuwait for 6 months. He returned home in December 2010. We had been waiting to start trying for our 3rd child, so by the middle of January we were excited to find out we were already expecting. Unfortunately, at my 12 week prenatal check up, we had learned the baby had stopped progressing and the the heartbeat had also stopped. I remember sitting in that room, trying to process this devastating news. We had brought the girls with us that day because we were going to let them see/hear their baby brother or sister's heartbeat. We were shattered beyond words, hurt, and saddened. We were told by the doctors that it is very common and it shouldn't stop us from trying again in the near future.
After taking some time for emotional healing, we found out we were expecting again this past October. With a guarded joy, we started to once again envision our future with a new little baby in our family. We waited until I was practically showing to share the news with family and friends. Each prenatal visit brought back the memory of what had happened in our last pregnancy, but to our great surprise we would leave the doctor's office with great news. Our baby had a strong heartbeat. I even felt movement beginning at 13 weeks and that was always reassuring. Our hopes and dreams of holding our sweet baby and having our 3rd child became real and we started to feel some relief after the first trimester.
At 19 weeks I had a scare. I was experiencing some alarming symptoms and thought I had lost the baby. I was admitted directly to labor and delivery where they immediately did an ultrasound. When I saw that little flicker of the baby's heartbeat, I was overjoyed. Grateful. I was thoroughly checked out and told stay on bed rest for a few days until I can have a level 3 ultrasound. The next couple days did not end up at all the way I expected nor did they end up the way I dreamed of...
On January 26, 2012 at 8:09pm, I delivered a premature baby boy. Since I was only 19 1/2 weeks along, there was nothing anyone can do to save my sweet baby boy. It was the most intense pain, labor, and delivery that I had ever been through. The emotional pain of knowing this baby would not survive took its toll on my body physically. Weighing just 9 oz and 9 inches, my husband and I welcomed our first son into this world. He was incredibly tiny, but perfect in every way imaginable. From his little head to his sweet little toes, we were in awe of all that the Lord had knit together to form this pure and innocent being. We marveled at his little features, cuddled him, talked to him, kissed him, smelled that sweet newborn scent, prayed over him...we had 2 hours and 39 minutes to spend with our son. At 10:45 pm that night, our son, Jonah, was in the arms of Jesus. God had given us the son we always wanted, but we never imagined his time on earth would be cut so short.
I think the questions and the doubt I've had would be what most mothers would say. "Why me? Why my baby? Why did this happen? How could this happen? Is there something wrong with me?" I've cried out to God many times since the birth of my son. I find comfort in knowing
God grieves with me. He is the author of life and nobody knows my pain like he does. Afterall, He sacrificed His Son, watched His Son experience the most painful death for me... for Jonah! Who am I to question "why me?" But...I'm human, I'm not a robot. He created me to have feelings, to experience and feel the pain and sorrow of loss. He gives me permission to bring my pain to Him. His yoke is easy, His burden is light. He promises to give rest to my soul.
And so, this is the beginning of a new journey for me. A journey of growing through my grief. I'm sharing this personal journey with anyone who wants to follow, because I want to be a testimony of what God can do. I have resolved to take my grief, my pain, the aching of my heart and give it all to God. To become cold and bitter would be too easy. I won't give up. I will keep living, keep sharing, and keep growing....for God, for the rememberance of Jonah, for the sake of my daughters that watch every move I make, and for the love of my husband.
"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." Psalm 71:20-21
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