Your Love Never Fails

Yesterday, I was driving in the car and that song by Chris Quilala came on the radio, "Your Love Never Fails." I've heard it a lot before, but this time the part that caught my attention was the lyrics, "There may be pain at night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5 tells us that "Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning." I started to think of so many people that have or are experiencing pain in their lives. I've said this before, but it's so hard to see that joy that will come in the morning...and sometimes it does not seem to come the very next morning. I also thought about my own situation. I remember the first few nights of (trying to) sleep after having Jonah. I did not experience an outright joy the mornings to follow. I grieved. I was deeply saddened. I felt as though my heart was ripped out of my chest, thrown on the floor, and stomped on a few times. So, although I wasn't rejoicing or joyous at that moment in time, what I did experience was peace. Now when I say peace, I don't mean complete understanding of the whole situation (I still don't have that). But, it was a peace that I knew God could only give. It was a peace of Him showing me that it was going to all work out for good and He was in control. I needed that peace in order to experience joy again.

It makes me wonder, if we never experience pain or suffering, how could we fully experience His joy and peace? When you're dragged through the trenches and Christ can pull you out of that, use it for good, and restore your joy to a level you never experienced...that's an amazing feeling. That's some serious faith building. That's something only He can do. I wonder how much more He would do if I would lay my own agenda down and allow Him to work.

Last night, I truly believe God impressed on my heart to pray for a specific family. I don't personally know this family, but they were placed on my heart. About a year ago, this young family was changed forever. It was a sudden death of a young wife and mother, it broke my heart at the time, and broke my heart again last night. I found the blog her husband had been writing and began to read what had been going on. It doesn't take much to put me to tears these days, but after reading his blog I was touched, my heart ached for this family, and I was sobbing. My heart heavy, full of sadness, thinking and grieving for so many people I know that are suffering right now. Overwhelmed with sadness and weeping, I knew God was telling me I needed to stop and pray immediately for all of those He laid on my heart. Did I mention this was all around midnight until 1:00 am? But, it was His perfect timing, because I had no interruptions, it was quiet, and it was just me and God. I named and prayed for all those people He impressed on me. I was reminded of the song I heard earlier that day and prayed that although I was experiencing pain tonight, I wanted to feel His joy in the morning. That's exactly what He did. He answers prayer. He answered my prayer. He makes all things work together for my good. And although there may be pain at night, joy comes in the morning, because His love never fails.

Happy Birthday Jonah

If I were to say that today and the days leading up to today were not hard, then I would be lying.  I think to where I was at last year on this day and it was not a good place.  The only good thing about that day, was that I got to hold my son for almost 3 hours, other than that, it was the most difficult day of my life.  I remember thinking, "How am I supposed to rejoice through this kind of suffering?"  When you are in the midst of grief, rejoicing is not a natural response.  I could use this post to share the sadness I feel in my heart, to ponder what this last year would have been like with Jonah...I know my readers would not judge.  BUT, I do that a lot already.  So... instead of  doing that,  I'm going to take the time to list all the great things that have happened, all of the blessings as a result of Jonah's beautiful life.  It's my way of rejoicing even through pain.

- Being blessed with Jonah's life.  His life on earth was short, but his life is still a tremendous blessing. We had our son!
- I've learned a lot about forgiveness and its importance.  Life is short.  FORGIVE quickly.
- I've learned to appreciate the little things more.
- I appreciate the 2 beautiful daughters God has given me now more than ever!
- Each day is a gift.  I'm grateful that God has a purpose for me, even if that means I have to go through some suffering.
- Compassion.  I've always had a soft spot for others experiencing pain, but going through this has opened my eyes and God has taught me so much about empathy and compassion.
- MY husband!!  When you go through hard times and your husband is your rock, you know God has your back!  I'm blessed.
- Friendships.  I have developed deeper and more meaningful friendships during this past year.
- Helping others through their difficult times.  When you know what pain is and you've come out of it, you can use your experiences to help others.  It's therapeutic and healing.
- I have learned a lot about patience.  God's timing isn't always my timing.  I'm learning to be OK with that.
- Giving back.  This last summer, we decided to get licensed as a Foster-to-Adopt family.  We have a lot of love to give, why not share it with others in need?  (This goes back to the patience topic, because we are still waiting) :)
- People always say life is a miracle, but I really, really see that more clearly now.  God's hand in conception,  development, and birth is clearly evident.  Every little detail must come together...life is a miracle.
- STRENGTH! I've known the verse, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" since I was a little girl, but didn't know he could give me strength to get through this!  Don't know what I'd do without His strength.  So grateful he is showing me His strength, there is nothing like it.
- I have a better understanding of having "A peace that surpasses all understanding."  If you need peace, look no further, seek Him for it..  I can't even explain it, it's supernatural. You need to experience firsthand!
- God's grace is sufficient for me.  I see that in a totally different light these days. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  There is a new meaning to that verse for me.

-and finally (even though I could keep adding to this list)... I have hope.  I know I will see Jonah again one day (and his brother or sister). I have 2 children here on earth and 2 in heaven.  We will be one big happy family, rejoicing in heaven one day.  Nothing can take away that blessed assurance.

Suffering is not easy. It hurts and it's hard to see the good when all you want to do is grieve.  I've learned that I need to be intentional.  I want to see good, I want to rejoice, and I want to be thankful.  I have found that when I'm able to do that, or at least try, I am in a better place.  God has already poured out His love into my heart.  He's already blessed me with His grace, peace, strength, and healing.  It's my choice to receive it and use it for good.

Happy Birthday Jonah!  Mommy loves you immeasurably.  

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5

The God of Healing & Comfort

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

 Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart;

 and you shall find rest for your souls. "For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."



This Saturday, January 26th is a very significant day for our family.  It will be 1 year that baby Jonah entered the world and left this world.  As I think about the past year it has been a whirlwind of emotions.  So many changes have taken place, some good, some bad.  There have been happy times and sad times.  I always think of how life would be different if Jonah were still here.  What would he be like?  Would he be walking already, or would he prefer to be held the way his sisters always did?  What would have been his first word?  What color would his hair have been?  Would he look like more like mommy or daddy?  The list goes on and on.  I find myself in a daze, daydreaming about the son I would have had, the son I should have had.  Then, I remind myself that yes, it's OK to miss him like crazy, but God's plans are different then mine.  Whether I agree with His plan or not, His ways are good. He is good.  I don't need to understand everything, because I'm trusting that He knows all of the unanswered "whys" and "whats" that can consume my mind.

Almost 2 weeks ago, some very close friends of ours delivered twin baby girls.  We were so excited for them, rejoicing at the thought of these sweet babies and the opportunity for our friends to experience parenthood.  Our joy and excitement suddenly took a turn as they learned one of their baby girls had Trisomy 18.  This chromosomal illness would make it very difficult for their baby to survive.  We immediately felt broken.  How can this be?  All I could think was, "Lord we pleaded with you on behalf of our friends, we did not want to see them go thought what we went through.  Isn't it enough that we went through it?"  I couldn't help but question God's timing, He knows it's Jonah's 1st anniversary.  It's like it was happening all over again, only this time we are looking in from the outside.  Our hearts are heavy.  Nobody should have to experience this pain.  It just doesn't seem fair and it's so hard to see the good in it.  I'm not going to lie or cover up anything, I've been struggling through this.  Sometimes I just don't get it.

It was this past Saturday I received a text from a mentor.  It read, "All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." (2 Cor. 1:3-4) 
She went on to say that she knows I am being a comfort to my friend who is struggling with the thought of losing her daughter.  And that's when my eyes opened a little wider.  I realized (again)  that this is all part of God's plan.  He knew we needed to be there for our friends.  Only God would know that our friends would go through something similar almost exactly 1 year later.  He allowed us to go through it first, He brought us much comfort so that we could share it with our friends.  He is using us and that feels good!  Another reminder that He can bring good from even the most difficult situation, He is good!  He knows what we need, and when and how we need it.

Maybe you've been through something difficult in your life, or maybe you're experiencing something now?  Stay open to the fact that if you allow Him, God will use it for His good and glory.  Sometimes we can't see clearly during the storm because there is so much fog in the way.  But as that fog clears, continue to keep your eyes fixed on Him, only He can give purpose and clarity in a way that brings a tremendous amount of healing and comfort. 

If you think of it, pray for our friends and their baby Madelyn.  They need strength, comfort, and healing. 

Trust & Obey

Much time has passed since my last blog.  Time for reflection, healing, thinking, and growth....there has also been a lot of crazy, busy-ness!  For the last few months I've been thinking about what my next post would be.  So much has changed, yet so much remains the same.

It still amazes me to see how much God has used Jonah's little life to be a blessing.  It just goes to show that He is a mighty God and can use ANYTHING for His glory.  He gives and takes away and although I don't understand it all, it is all for good.  He is good all the time, even when we might not see the good. 

People have told me the pain of losing a child eventually starts to fade, that it becomes easier.  I disagree.  It never gets easier.  You learn new ways of coping, you learn to seek God's face in a way like never before, but the pain remains.  You might be ready to move on, but you never forget.  How can you?  It only takes a moment to fall in love with a perfect, innocent life that God so intricately formed.  It's immediate attachment, whether that child is in your womb or in your arms, he remains in your heart forever.  That's how it should be.  There's no love like mommy's.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't ponder my son's life.  I miss him.  Jonah has impressed a tenderness in my heart forever.

Some have asked if we are still planning to have another child.  About 10 years ago, Joe and I had talked about having 3 children of our own and adopting the 4th.  Of course this was just "young love" talk, but it's funny how sometimes these little talks turn out to be pretty realistic.  We've been blessed with 2 lovely girls and a sweet baby boy.  Even though time was cut short with Jonah, he will always be our son.  We had our 3 children, which leads us to our next step.  I'm  officially making this announcement for the first time on a public forum...so be excited!  This summer we started the process with a foster to adopt program.  We've started the home study and are working toward becoming licensed foster parents.  Obviously, we are taking a huge leap of faith!  There are no guarantees through this process, but then again, there aren't any guarantees in life.  We are trusting that God will provide the right baby or child (or children) :) for our family.  We've already been blessed with a wonderful caseworker and a great agency.  We hope to have all of the requirements fulfilled by this Christmas, so we'd love to have your prayer support.  The goal of this program is to temporarily foster a child and eventually become their permanent adoptive parents.  We are thrilled with the the thought of adding to our family, but as parents we realize the new responsibilities this will entail.  So please, all you folks who don't understand this or don't agree with it, keep your comments to yourself.  We need positive support.  I'm just keeping it real... :)

We don't know how this will all turn out, but we do know this is what we're called to do.  The scriptures are clear about caring for the orphans, but we also realize this is not a calling for everyone.  I'll admit, I have the fear of receiving a child, growing attached, and then having to let go of that child.  My initial thought was, "I don't want another loss in our family."  It took a few months, but God made it crystal clear for me - that's not a decision I can make, it's not in my control.  My job is to trust and obey.  We have a lot of love to give to a deserving life and that's what we plan on doing, whether it be long or short-term, to God be the glory.

Matthew 18:5, “Whoever receives a child in My name, receives Me.”

Bearing and Sharing Burdens

"Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." -Galatians 6:2

Have you ever listened to someone share a story or a struggle that has literally made you grieve with them?  Maybe it's a story of a loss of a loved one, a struggle with illness, or even an abusive relationship.  You feel that person's pain to an extent.  You cry for them or with them, your heart just doesn't seem to settle right.  It could be someone you know well, or it could be a complete stranger, but for some reason it strikes a chord of grief within your heart.  The idea of, "I can't imagine if this was me," seems to be unbearable and so you grieve.  You are sad.  You offer your support, your empathy, or maybe a genuine, heartfelt prayer for that person.

That's what God has called us to do.  Sharing our burdens with one another lightens our load. The Bible tells us to "Cast our cares upon Him who cares for us."  He promises to bring comfort and rest to our souls.  He promises to take care of us, because no problem is too big for God.  Sometimes God uses people in our lives to help lift or lighten that load.  I cannot express the amount of support our family has experienced through our loss of Jonah.  Many times while sharing my story, I watched the eyes of women and men fill up with tears and grieve with us.  People have prayed over us, brought meals, sent cards, expressed heartfelt sympathy, people have embraced us.  And somehow through each embrace of love and care our burden becomes lighter.  With every act of kindness, we are learning to embrace God's grace instead of the pain of sorrow and grief. 

It's amazing to think of how much impact we can have on one another's lives.  I'm looking at things quite differently these days.  God is teaching me to become a better empathizer, to care more for others and allow myself to "feel" the pain they are experiencing.  Maybe the issue of a friend doesn't seem to be "that big of a deal" to you, but to your friend it might seem devastating.  God never says that anyone's sorrow or pain is irrelevant.  He never gives a degree or level of which type of grieving or sadness is worse. In other words what one person might be feeling as sadness may not be taken to the same level for another person...and that's ok.  We are all made so unique and different.  We can't judge the level of sorrow based on our own feelings, but what we could do is carry some of the burden for one another. 

The thought of me being able to help a friend through their grieving process or help lighten the load of their sorrow somehow helps me through my healing process.  It's being obedient to God's instruction of Bearing one another's burdens, to fulfill the law of Christ."  Instead of having the "It's not my business, that's their problem" attitude, or being too afraid to step out of your comfort zone to help someone, think of what God calls us to do.

I am grateful and blessed for the dozens of people who have grieved with us.  Not only have you been incredibly helpful in our healing process, you have also set an example of how God wants us to exemplify His love. Thank you for your courage to allow yourself to feel sorrow and for your kind & loving heart that has poured into mine.  I am overwhelmed with God's loving tenderness and grateful that you are a part of that.

Pictures of His Goodness

For the last few weeks, I have been anxiously awaiting Jonah's pictures.  After delivering Jonah, the hospital staff asked if we wanted to have someone photograph Jonah during his short, sweet life.  I wasn't exactly sure if I could see them right away, but I knew that one day I would want to, so we decided having pictures was a good idea.  The funny thing is that I could not stop thinking about those pictures from the moment I arrived home from the hospital.  I was literally praying they would get to my house safely... I could not handle the thought of something happening to those pictures.  I won't have a lot of memories with Jonah, but this was the one thing I could count on.  Seeing him...remembering him, what he looked like, and how much his life meant to me.  Each day I would check the mail with wide eyes only to find they weren't there.  I prayed that God would allow them to arrive at my house in His timing.

During my pregnancy with Jonah, I started seeing a counselor.  This is not something I usually share, but I've said from the beginning I'm going to be open about my journey.  While pregnant with Jonah I struggled a little more than usual with anxiety because of the first miscarriage we had before Jonah.  My counselor (who is a Godsend) was able to help guide me through the first trimester and encourage me through my struggle with anxiety.  God knew that I would need her not only for my pregnancy, but after my loss as well.  While I was in the hospital and in labor, my counselor actually came to visit me.  This visit really made clear that she is not just any counselor and this is not just any patient-therapist relationship.  This woman is special.  It's as though she has been grieving with me.  She was able to bring some comfort during that dark time of knowing the inevitable.  Giving me wisdom and graciously consoling me, she reassured me that she would be here to support me no matter what happened that day.  That is exactly what she has done for me.  About a week after Jonah was born I had an hour appointment set with her.  Just being able share my grief, my thoughts, and my fears with someone who has education and experience in the area of grief has been incredibly helpful.  She is able to offer me ideas, wisdom, and support as an "outside" person.  After that appointment we agreed that I would call her to set up another appointment to touch base and see how things were going through my grieving process.  After looking at my calendar, I scheduled an appointment for Thursday, 2/23.  There was no particular reason why I picked this day, it just happened to work out for both of our schedules.  However, God knew this was the day I would need to meet with her. 

On Wednesday, Feb. 22nd, as I approached the front door of my house after work, there it was!  Jonah's pictures had finally arrived!  My immediate reaction was joy... I was completely overjoyed that God had answered my prayers and the cd with Jonah's pictures arrived safely.  Before I was even able to take off my coat I ran over to the computer and inserted the cd, with Joe by my side (also waiting for the pictures to load), I wasn't sure what to expect.  Once the pictures appeared on my computer screen we were once again in awe.  Brought back to the moment of when he was born.  The joy, the pain, the happiness, the sorrow...all flooded back.  My heart...it aches.  My arms...they yearn.  My womb...empty.  Once again, I take 2 steps backward in my healing process as I am brought back to that moment.   The moment where we welcomed our baby boy into this world, and had to let him go way too soon.  "Why Dear God...why?  Why must we go through this storm, what are you trying to do here?"  I can almost hear Him say, "My beloved, I'm growing you, I'm working here, just trust Me."  This is so not easy!  I am so weak, I am hurting, my heart is broken, my body is weary...I need help!  After a restless night of not so much sleep, the next day brought an overload of sadness.  The gloomy weather did not help any, but the reality of what really happened set in.  I just viewed the pictures of my child, my baby that is now in heaven.  I have a son.  He's in heaven, but I have a son.  That is a lot to take in...I can't do this alone God. 

It's funny how God works... "It just so happened" that Wednesday I received the pictures and Thursday I had an appointment set with my counselor.  I can say this was definitely not a coincidence; this was not an "it just so happened" instance.  God knew I would need to meet with my counselor.  He knew in advance that Thursday was a day of acceptance (once again), a day of sadness, and that I needed help.  He planned that afternoon appointment with my counselor.  Not that she has any "magic dust" to make things better, but she has great insight as to how I'm coping and steps that I need to take toward healing.  God put her in my life for a reason and I am not ashamed to admit that.  He arranged the whole thing; He knew she would be a means of support through my loss.  He knows that I want to heal so that I can effectively work for His Kingdom.  He also knows that I'm experiencing the most painful loss and grieving like I never have before.  So, why do I doubt Him?  He has given me nothing but assurance.  Yes, He allowed Jonah's life to be cut short on this earth...but more importantly He chose Jonah to leave this earth filled with pain and sorrow and wanted Jonah with Him.  What an honor!  God chose my son...wow!  My baby boy will never experience any of the grief that we experience on earth.  I just can't even fathom that!

I still don’t know why God chose Jonah.  Maybe I never will know while here on earth, but one thing I do know is God is good.  And I don’t mean that in a casual way…  I truly mean it He is a good God.  He knows something I don’t; He knows all that I don’t.  I like to think of it as He spared Jonah’s life.  Jonah is not dead.  His soul is alive and well.   He is a new creation, taken care of in the utmost way by his Creator.  God gave Him an everlasting life in heaven.  I don’t know what could have or would have happened had God not chosen Jonah.  What if God is protecting Jonah or our family from some sort of suffering?  I don’t know that, but I have to trust that God’s intentions are good and I know they are.

“His mercies are new every morning.”  I am so thankful for His mercy!  He has been merciful to me today.  I woke up feeling better, seeing my sweet Jonah on the pictures was another reminder that God is good...  His sweet feet, tiny head, perfect little nose, perfect lips, and that sweet little face.  God created something beautiful and good.  Jonah’s pictures are pictures of God’s goodness.  I have a beautiful boy that will be waiting for me when I get to heaven.

Thank you God for showing me Your goodness through my grief.

“The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; And He knows those who trust in Him.” ~Nahum 1:7

Good Grief! Part 2

My last post included the beginning stages of grief, so this is part 2 of that post.

In my last post Good Grief  (part 1), I included the first 2 stages - Denial, which I feel I processed through pretty quickly and Anger, which I am still struggling through.  I will say that I have made some progress (on some days at least).  It is so easy to get discouraged and disappointed and at this point all I can do is bring it to God.  In my experience, that is my only comfort because nothing can take a mother's pain or anger away after losing a child... Nothing, but God of course.  I am a work in progress.

The next step of the grieving process according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, is bargaining.  I've given this a lot of thought because I have not gone through this stage.  I know these stages come and go in different waves for different people, but I don't think I'll ever go through the whole bargaining stage.  What would I bargain?  As a believer in Christ, I know He is not a bargaining God, He doesn't work that way.   It's not like I can bargain with God to gain back what I've lost.  I'm not saying that people don't ever feel this way or that it is wrong.  Everyone processes grief so differently.  For me personally, I think I've just realized that acceptance is key in my healing process.  If I deny what happened or try to bargain, then I'm delaying my healing process.

The 4th stage of the grieving process is depression.  This is a sensitive subject for me.  I'm going to be bold and share openly because I know I'm not alone with this topic.  Depression is a very real thing.  I experienced depression for the first time about 8 years ago and I never want to go back to that deep, dark, time.  It has been a battle for me to have victory over depression.  Thankfully, God has covered me with His Grace and His Mercy, and I have been able to live a depression free life since my darkest moment in time.  It has not been easy, it does not come easy.  Needless to say depression is not something I want to experience again...not like that.  I'm not saying  that I have not experienced circumstantial depression.  Every day I struggle with times of feeling down because I was so close to having my baby boy...even to the point of carrying him in my arms.  I've allowed myself to feel down and cry a river of tears, but I refuse to knowingly allow myself to slip into a depression as a result of not wanting to heal.  It's like I have a constant battle within my own mind...I feel down or depressed at times, but I know I can't stay that way because I have so much to live for.  So, I pray and surrender through my depression, but then the guilt kicks in.  I feel guilty because I'm moving on and not wanting to feel down or depressed.  I feel guilty because I never want to forget what I went through and how I felt when I held Jonah.   I think guilt should be added to this grieving process because I can almost guarantee most people struggle with guilt when they are grieving.  My only hope is that "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."  His promises will carry me through even my darkest days.

The final stage is acceptance.  Where do I begin?  Have I accepted that we lost our child?  Yes, I believe so. Have I totally accepted the fact that I may never know why we lost our child?  No, and I probably never will.  This kind of goes back to the anger stage and the "why" questions.  Acceptance is not just accepting that we lost a child.  For me, it's accepting everything about and around the circumstance.  I'm not sure if this comes with time or if it will never happen.  I'm sure it's different for everyone, and I'm not saying that I will never fully heal.  However, my life...our lives are forever changed.  No matter how much acceptance, how much healing, or how much moving forward we do, our lives will never be the same.  Now that's something I have accepted - things will never be the same.  I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way, because there has been a lot of good from this situation.  It actually hurts me to say that, "a lot of good things are coming out of this loss."  How can good come from losing a child?  You see, these are the battles I daily fight through in my mind.  Fortunately, God has allowed me to see the good.  God did not allow Jonah to live such a short life for no reason...it will be used for good.  I'm not exactly sure how it will all work out, but I do know that "God works all things together for good for those who love Him."


So, my primary job is to love God.  Trust Him, to be faithful to Him, to put my confidence in Him.  He'll take care of the rest...it sounds so easy, but I find myself struggling to do this so often.  The truth is though; He is the only one that can carry me through this grieving process.  His Grace & Mercy are sufficient for me.  He promises to heal and comfort me. "But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him." 


Heavenly Father, heal my broken heart.  You created it so I beg you to mend it.  I may  not understand why this happened, but I ask that you would give me the strength to accept what I do not understand.  Lord, teach me to trust you no matter the cost.  You are my comforter and I am desperate for your grace and mercy.  Forgive me for my anger and for my lack of acceptance.  Help me to continue to seek you each and every day and let me never grow weary during my journey of drawing closer to you.  I need you Lord. Thank you for your unconditional and everlasting love.  ~amen