Good Grief! Part 2

My last post included the beginning stages of grief, so this is part 2 of that post.

In my last post Good Grief  (part 1), I included the first 2 stages - Denial, which I feel I processed through pretty quickly and Anger, which I am still struggling through.  I will say that I have made some progress (on some days at least).  It is so easy to get discouraged and disappointed and at this point all I can do is bring it to God.  In my experience, that is my only comfort because nothing can take a mother's pain or anger away after losing a child... Nothing, but God of course.  I am a work in progress.

The next step of the grieving process according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, is bargaining.  I've given this a lot of thought because I have not gone through this stage.  I know these stages come and go in different waves for different people, but I don't think I'll ever go through the whole bargaining stage.  What would I bargain?  As a believer in Christ, I know He is not a bargaining God, He doesn't work that way.   It's not like I can bargain with God to gain back what I've lost.  I'm not saying that people don't ever feel this way or that it is wrong.  Everyone processes grief so differently.  For me personally, I think I've just realized that acceptance is key in my healing process.  If I deny what happened or try to bargain, then I'm delaying my healing process.

The 4th stage of the grieving process is depression.  This is a sensitive subject for me.  I'm going to be bold and share openly because I know I'm not alone with this topic.  Depression is a very real thing.  I experienced depression for the first time about 8 years ago and I never want to go back to that deep, dark, time.  It has been a battle for me to have victory over depression.  Thankfully, God has covered me with His Grace and His Mercy, and I have been able to live a depression free life since my darkest moment in time.  It has not been easy, it does not come easy.  Needless to say depression is not something I want to experience again...not like that.  I'm not saying  that I have not experienced circumstantial depression.  Every day I struggle with times of feeling down because I was so close to having my baby boy...even to the point of carrying him in my arms.  I've allowed myself to feel down and cry a river of tears, but I refuse to knowingly allow myself to slip into a depression as a result of not wanting to heal.  It's like I have a constant battle within my own mind...I feel down or depressed at times, but I know I can't stay that way because I have so much to live for.  So, I pray and surrender through my depression, but then the guilt kicks in.  I feel guilty because I'm moving on and not wanting to feel down or depressed.  I feel guilty because I never want to forget what I went through and how I felt when I held Jonah.   I think guilt should be added to this grieving process because I can almost guarantee most people struggle with guilt when they are grieving.  My only hope is that "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."  His promises will carry me through even my darkest days.

The final stage is acceptance.  Where do I begin?  Have I accepted that we lost our child?  Yes, I believe so. Have I totally accepted the fact that I may never know why we lost our child?  No, and I probably never will.  This kind of goes back to the anger stage and the "why" questions.  Acceptance is not just accepting that we lost a child.  For me, it's accepting everything about and around the circumstance.  I'm not sure if this comes with time or if it will never happen.  I'm sure it's different for everyone, and I'm not saying that I will never fully heal.  However, my life...our lives are forever changed.  No matter how much acceptance, how much healing, or how much moving forward we do, our lives will never be the same.  Now that's something I have accepted - things will never be the same.  I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way, because there has been a lot of good from this situation.  It actually hurts me to say that, "a lot of good things are coming out of this loss."  How can good come from losing a child?  You see, these are the battles I daily fight through in my mind.  Fortunately, God has allowed me to see the good.  God did not allow Jonah to live such a short life for no reason...it will be used for good.  I'm not exactly sure how it will all work out, but I do know that "God works all things together for good for those who love Him."


So, my primary job is to love God.  Trust Him, to be faithful to Him, to put my confidence in Him.  He'll take care of the rest...it sounds so easy, but I find myself struggling to do this so often.  The truth is though; He is the only one that can carry me through this grieving process.  His Grace & Mercy are sufficient for me.  He promises to heal and comfort me. "But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him." 


Heavenly Father, heal my broken heart.  You created it so I beg you to mend it.  I may  not understand why this happened, but I ask that you would give me the strength to accept what I do not understand.  Lord, teach me to trust you no matter the cost.  You are my comforter and I am desperate for your grace and mercy.  Forgive me for my anger and for my lack of acceptance.  Help me to continue to seek you each and every day and let me never grow weary during my journey of drawing closer to you.  I need you Lord. Thank you for your unconditional and everlasting love.  ~amen