Good Grief! (Part 1)

I remember learning about the stages of grief in some of the many Psychology classes I took while attending college.  Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was one of the Psychiatrists that developed her own theory of the stages of grief.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Of course many factors come into play when you create a theory like this.  Not everyone will experience these stages, and some will probably not experience them in this order.  Although I would guess that most would experience at least 1 of these stages in a time of grief or loss.

For me personally, I would have to say my denial came right away.  It was short lived, because my situation was inevitable.  My time of denial came right about when I went into labor.  I was in disbelief and could not understand why this was happening.  I’ve already had 2 daughters, both by c-section because my body would not naturally or with medical induction go into labor.  So how could it be that my body was so ready to deliver a baby at 19 1/2 weeks?  I couldn't understand and in a way, I didn't want to understand.  However, as time went on that day, it became very clear that I needed to get out of denial quickly.

I had my time of panic and fear, thinking I was going to pass out because this was all too much to bear... In all the hustle and bustle of the doctors and nurses coming in and out of our room, I thought to myself, "Wait a minute, I have a relationship with a God who promises to protect me, I serve a big God...a GREAT God.  He will not put me in a situation that I can't handle without His help."  I prayed that God would give me the strength and peace I needed to get through that moment.  I prayed for His will to take place, even if it meant accepting the fact that I would lose my baby.  I prayed for a sound mind.  He provided my needs, and even though I didn’t get exactly what I wanted, He showed me that He was in complete control.

This next stage anger - is one that has been a constant battle for me.  I cannot say that I am angry at one particular person.  If I’m being honest, I just find that I get angry.  Angry that I did not get more time with my son, angry that my body reacted the way it did, angry that I don’t have any answers, and sometimes angry because I am feeling angry (if that makes sense).  This is an area that I have truly felt God working on in my life.  In my anger I am often convicted.  “For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” James 1:20.  Although I do feel that God has given me full permission to be real with my feelings and bring my anger to Him.  The unrighteousness part comes in when I make poor choices as a result of my anger.  For example, blame. Blaming others for my situation is an example of taking my feelings of grief and turning it into sin.  The truth is it is not anyone’s “fault” for me losing my son.  Blaming the hospital, doctors, myself, or anything/anyone else is wrong…it’s sin. Not to mention, it’s not going to help me in this situation. However, going through the actual process, letting myself feel the anger, and then dealing with it the right way has been a great help in my healing process.  Even when it is hard, I ask God to be my Great Physician and heal my heart.  I don’t desire to be angry, I desire to have a heart abounding in love…it’s just impossible to get to that point on my own.  I need the Ultimate Physician.
(To be continued)