Enough is Enough!

"How much more can we handle"?  That's a question that I am almost fearful to even ask.  After such a devastating loss, we've had some setbacks that have made me want to say enough is enough!  Between us getting sick, the kids up in the middle night because they are sick, an emergency visit to the doctor, our washer temporarily not working, the lack of sleep and other daily interruptions - we are tired.  Most of these are issues people deal with on a daily basis, but when you combine it with everything else we are feeling, we are exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally.  It's those little unexpected things that pop up in your day that make you say, "Now what?!  Can anything ever go the way I want it to?"  Then I think about the old hymn It Is Well With My Soul.  The writer of that hymn Horatio Spafford, experienced much grief.  He lost his 4 yr old son, was depleted financially because of the Chicago Fire, lost all 4 of his daughters, then lost another son as an infant.  And I beg...."Lord, please don't allow this much grief to happen to my family.  Forgive me for being selfish and complaining about my small troubles."  Many people have told me they can't imagine what I'm going through, but I really cannot imagine what Spafford went through.  He and his wife must have been incredibly strong people and God must have been truly merciful and gracious in giving them strength, because no human strength could combat that kind of pain and sorrow.

Through my blogging and communication I want to make one thing very clear.  I am weak.  I am fragile and powerless.  I am grateful for the encouragement of people telling me I have been so strong, but the truth is I am not.  I am telling you - that I am nothing.  I have no special coping powers, no great strength, not an ounce of toughness.  In fact, I have struggled with fear and anxiety all of my life.  I never would have expected that God would have allowed me to lose a child or to experience so much grief.  It is only because He has and is completely carrying me through this trial that I am able to even write this blog today.  He has shown me that His grace is sufficient for me on a whole new level.  I know that God had full power to spare my son's life and stop me from preterm labor, but He did not choose to do that.  It's like He is showing me how strong He wants me to be and providing all the grace I need to get through this.  I question Him all the time because I have so many unanswered questions, but in a strange way, I totally get it.  I'm confident He's going to do marvelous and wonderful works through my loss in ways I would have never imagined.  That's when my hope kicks in again and He allows me to see peace that surpasses all understanding.  He again reminds me that no problem is too big for Him

So, all that begging and pleading with God to limit the amount of pain or suffering I experience really doesn't make much sense.  Let's face it, God can do what He wants, when He wants.  Who am I to try and limit His capabilities in my narrow little mind?  He sees things from every aspect, short term, long term, every single dynamic we could possibly think of.  So why can't I let go and just trust Him?  Well, that goes back to the part where I said "I have struggled with fear and anxiety all of my life."  Maybe some of you reading this can empathize with me.  If you can, let's commit to trusting in our Almighty God today.  He is sovereign, all-knowing, omnipotent, and He loves & cares for us.  He won't give us anything we can't handle without His help.  Instead of praying or pleading with God for certain things not to happen, let's pray that God will carry us through whatever comes our way.  Pray that he grants His peace, wisdom, strength, and grace to get through whatever life brings.  If there is anything He is showing me now, it is that He can and will use even the most difficult times for growth and His Glory.

"As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him." -2 Samuel 22:31